tasty

 It was the best most lemon lemony cake I have ever made, adding sour cream made such a difference- ithe whole family demanded this one again!

I have been on a few different crafty courses recently; through groupon and facebook recommendations, and I have had that lovely feeling of achievement when you learn something new and pride when you can say 'I made that!' this time round was a form of knotting which was actually easy to do, and created funky bracelets - shaballah style. My friend and I spent a couple of hours enjoying ourselves rummaging in bead shops, being human adults and not just mums - which added to the sense of independence! I hope we get the opportunity again soon.

February reading

The story of beautiful girl - Rachel Simon
a lovely read that had me in tears - but definitely a story that you need to keep reading to find out what will happen. I enjoyed this one.

Before I go to sleep - SJ Watson
a creepy book, makes you look over your shoulder! didnt enjoy the rather obvious ending, but the build up was interesting and gripping.

Pigeon English - Stephen Kelman
A difficult book to read, but a refreshing change as written from a boy's perspective. abrupt sad ending which left me wanting more.

sorrow 2

I was standing behind a mum and her baby today in a queue. As you do, I was watching the baby who was smiling in a dribbly cute kind of way and mum noticed the baby smiling back at me. A few pleasantries later her turn came and she went to sit down to wait for her appointment. As I was still queue waiting, I heard her baby's turn to go into the health visitor - my ears pricked up to hear that he had the same name as my firstborn. - and it is an unusual enough name not to hear it very often.
Even all this time - 8 years on - and tears still welled up in my eyes, knowing I had been smiling and cooing at a baby boy who shared my baby's name - the baby I never got to coo over or smile at, the one I never got to watch grow up.

Grief is a funny thing - biting you on the nose when you least expect it.
I love you baby boy

xx

sorrow

What do you tell your child when they are crying to you because they don't have a brother or sister; when you know they do really, it's just that they aren't with us.

How do you make them feel complete enough?

Our son would be 8 now; he was born sleeping at 38 weeks in 2003. We also suffered a miscarriage after little pickle was born, so a younger sibling was possible for her. she knows about her older brother as he is such a part of the family, but not about the younger one.

Her school friends all have a sibling or 2, and the one friend we have who is also an only child, has half siblings who she sees. They told her today that she would never be an aunt, and this has upset her deeply, even at 7 years of age. I tried to explain that she could be an aunt, as I am, to close friends children, but of course that doesnt really feel the same to her yet.

We sat on the stairs and had a cuddle and a cry about it, and a discussion about heaven (in a non religious kind of way) and who else is up there looking after him. I hope that I have provided the comfort that she needs, but I know this isnt an issue that is going to disappear, there will be other occasions where our loss will make her miss out.

As she so wisely says, life isnt fair is it mum? No darling, it really really isnt.

And for me; there are 2 massive holes in my heart and soul which will wound me forever, but they also remind me to cherish and nurture each and every moment with the amazing girl i do have; who is the very best i could ever have wished for.  xx

cake worship

Yum - pistachio cake and it is gooooooooooood
Much needed after a long walk in the snow; we all returned with wet layers and rosy cheeks. First snow of the year, but not quite enough for a snow day, even though I did the snow dance as requested.
We walked for several fields and bridges, throwing snow into the melting canal to make ice puddles, watching deer run across the bridge, and wondering at the footprints on the canal surface - the bird ones made sense, but there was rather a lot of dog paw prints too - brave or foolish?
If anyone spots the lone snow angel in the middle of a field - it was little pickle, who decided it would be a grand idea and then had to walk several miles with wet trousers! It was a good snow angel though. Well worth the pain.

parents

Is it really my job to tell your child that they are working too many hours at a paid job so that they fall asleep in class and will inevitably fail their course?

Or would that be your job as a parent to direct and guide them in how to organise their time wisely, and create a work life balance that works for them?

I sometimes wonder at the parents of my students, and it is not always good.