9 years

how can 9 years have gone by? why is the pain still so deep and heavy? my tears so easily flowing?
i lost my past, my present and my future - or at least a part of it on the day i lost my baby son.
the impact of losing a child is so ginormous, that sometimes i dont feel i will ever be healed; it affects every part of who i am, who i will be - i am not the person i was, that person died along with her child.
and yet my sadness doesnt affect my present, my future; it makes some things shine with greater strength, makes rainbows and sunlight more beautiful, makes me appreciate small things more.
and of course my present, my future is made so much more amazing because of my daughter, my beautiful child; my hope.
i will always have 3 children, but it is my present, my future to only raise one of them. i hope i make her proud, i hope she shines brightly in her own present and future. she makes it all worthwhile and brings hope and joy back into my past, present, future.

weekend away

 In Bruges with my best friend - no need to think, plan, arrange - just friendly conversation and decisions about which road to walk down or where to eat! a blankness of mind that isnt achievable at home with school and work and meal planning etc! we even managed to see a pop concert in Das Markt which was fun, and the best flemish beef stew and frites anywhere ever at De Vlaamsche Pot.

 Every building was stunning, really stunning. Every path we walked was full of opulent buidings and gilded patterns.

And our hotel - this is the view into the breakfast room, beautifully classic, calming music and so clean and quiet - it all made for  a relaxing and lovely weekend away. over breakfast we realised we had been friends for 20 years - which in itself is amazing. I hope another 20 years can be filled with more good memories! (and more after that!)

rock climbing

So brave and so determined. She didnt reach the top but she gained in height each time she did it, and for my not so physically adventurous daughter this is a real challenge. I am very proud of her.

What a great idea for a chiuldren's party - all of the kids had a cracking time, a sense of achievement and they were so amazingly polite - lots of queueing, waiting for turns etc and not a single complaint or attempt to push in. This generation may turn out to be pretty amazing.

books

The Peach Keeper - Sarah Addison Allen

I really enjoyed this; it's a read it all in one go type of story which keeps you interested and is beautifully written, but not too deep.

A Game Of Thrones - George R R Martin

Am still reading this mammoth tome, and am enjoying getting to know the characters and the fictional setting. This is the first in a large series so am thrilled that I can be enjoying these characters for months to come. I am tending to pick up and put down; reading chapters at a time as each chapter is from a different persons perspective, but it is a good read so far.

tasty

 It was the best most lemon lemony cake I have ever made, adding sour cream made such a difference- ithe whole family demanded this one again!

I have been on a few different crafty courses recently; through groupon and facebook recommendations, and I have had that lovely feeling of achievement when you learn something new and pride when you can say 'I made that!' this time round was a form of knotting which was actually easy to do, and created funky bracelets - shaballah style. My friend and I spent a couple of hours enjoying ourselves rummaging in bead shops, being human adults and not just mums - which added to the sense of independence! I hope we get the opportunity again soon.

February reading

The story of beautiful girl - Rachel Simon
a lovely read that had me in tears - but definitely a story that you need to keep reading to find out what will happen. I enjoyed this one.

Before I go to sleep - SJ Watson
a creepy book, makes you look over your shoulder! didnt enjoy the rather obvious ending, but the build up was interesting and gripping.

Pigeon English - Stephen Kelman
A difficult book to read, but a refreshing change as written from a boy's perspective. abrupt sad ending which left me wanting more.

sorrow 2

I was standing behind a mum and her baby today in a queue. As you do, I was watching the baby who was smiling in a dribbly cute kind of way and mum noticed the baby smiling back at me. A few pleasantries later her turn came and she went to sit down to wait for her appointment. As I was still queue waiting, I heard her baby's turn to go into the health visitor - my ears pricked up to hear that he had the same name as my firstborn. - and it is an unusual enough name not to hear it very often.
Even all this time - 8 years on - and tears still welled up in my eyes, knowing I had been smiling and cooing at a baby boy who shared my baby's name - the baby I never got to coo over or smile at, the one I never got to watch grow up.

Grief is a funny thing - biting you on the nose when you least expect it.
I love you baby boy

xx

sorrow

What do you tell your child when they are crying to you because they don't have a brother or sister; when you know they do really, it's just that they aren't with us.

How do you make them feel complete enough?

Our son would be 8 now; he was born sleeping at 38 weeks in 2003. We also suffered a miscarriage after little pickle was born, so a younger sibling was possible for her. she knows about her older brother as he is such a part of the family, but not about the younger one.

Her school friends all have a sibling or 2, and the one friend we have who is also an only child, has half siblings who she sees. They told her today that she would never be an aunt, and this has upset her deeply, even at 7 years of age. I tried to explain that she could be an aunt, as I am, to close friends children, but of course that doesnt really feel the same to her yet.

We sat on the stairs and had a cuddle and a cry about it, and a discussion about heaven (in a non religious kind of way) and who else is up there looking after him. I hope that I have provided the comfort that she needs, but I know this isnt an issue that is going to disappear, there will be other occasions where our loss will make her miss out.

As she so wisely says, life isnt fair is it mum? No darling, it really really isnt.

And for me; there are 2 massive holes in my heart and soul which will wound me forever, but they also remind me to cherish and nurture each and every moment with the amazing girl i do have; who is the very best i could ever have wished for.  xx

cake worship

Yum - pistachio cake and it is gooooooooooood
Much needed after a long walk in the snow; we all returned with wet layers and rosy cheeks. First snow of the year, but not quite enough for a snow day, even though I did the snow dance as requested.
We walked for several fields and bridges, throwing snow into the melting canal to make ice puddles, watching deer run across the bridge, and wondering at the footprints on the canal surface - the bird ones made sense, but there was rather a lot of dog paw prints too - brave or foolish?
If anyone spots the lone snow angel in the middle of a field - it was little pickle, who decided it would be a grand idea and then had to walk several miles with wet trousers! It was a good snow angel though. Well worth the pain.

parents

Is it really my job to tell your child that they are working too many hours at a paid job so that they fall asleep in class and will inevitably fail their course?

Or would that be your job as a parent to direct and guide them in how to organise their time wisely, and create a work life balance that works for them?

I sometimes wonder at the parents of my students, and it is not always good.

taking a breather

Phew, a long week - it is a relief to be home. Chores that have to be done are done, and the rest can wait! We plan to tackle the mini pickles room this weekend ready for decorating and a new bed. But first a bit of t.v. time, a picnic supper (for pickle) and a film in bed with white chocolate chip and pecan cookies (for me). Cookies in the oven now smelling divine... and Mr L missing it all by being on night shift at work.

I have seen in several blogs the idea of 1 image that reminds you of your week, so am borrowing that idea today. This is the sun setting over Stratford on Avon last weekend. And it was very cold!

January reads

In brief -

Switched - Amanda Hocking

a good easy read with a twist - not vampires but Trylle - a sort of fairytale world. Am definitely up for reading the rest of the series.

The Invisible Ones - Stef Penney
A more complex tale, twists and turns ands an interesting style of writing. This one is based around gypsy life and mystery intruigue.

As you can see i am not the only one in my family who far too often has a nose in a book!
Off to look in my pile to see what comes next - a cheap end pile of books this month, as january budgeting hits my finances! I could so easily spend hundreds on books each month and have to restrain myself and do swaps with others instead!

lost village

 We discovered a lost village while walking on the very windy beach on the south coast with a low sun sending rays out over everything it could see.

It was an old mill which had been abandoned, I guess when the industrial revolution really began to have an impact. There were lots of crumbling walls, templates of long forgotten homes, a railway track half buried in sand and stone running past ruined storage buildings full of brick piles. Neither of us knew this place was there, so it felt like a treasue on what was otherwise a difficult and tiring day - my father in laws funeral.

At the funeral, in a lovely stone church, paramedics lined the pathway to the church to pay their respects to a long serving colleague - it was extremely moving. Rest now B.

sunshine days

lovely sunshine, this time last year it was snow covered landscapes - today a brisk spring time feel, with glorious sunshine to show us our way

 

a sideways shot of the castle church reflected in the water

and mostly having fun; before we came across this rope swing, we saw a lady dressed up as a red indian with 3 pink helium balloons, taking photos of herself; I wondered what she was doing, and why; my imagination went into overdrive! it didnt feel like middle england, but a potential film set, art student getting creative or local blogger creating odd snaps!

resolves

I dont believe in resolutions for new years - they dont work. Most people have stopped doing whatever they chose by february anyway! so this year i choose to resolve to do some things, rather than opt to give something up. maybe it will work this time!

 I resolve to carry my camera around with me more, and take pictures of things that catch my eye

 I resolve to do more fun stuff; go to gigs, movies, galleries and museums - things that interest me

 I resolve to give my daughter more experiences of food from other cultures; she did love a good curry!

I resolve to continue to play; whether making towns from junk (with a spa or 2! (Bowls of water)), or in the snow, or from leaves and stones in the form of fairy gardens. Release the inner child.

what will you resolve for this year?

patterns of light

                                                    I love twinkly lights most of all
 

                                          simple beauty; 

                                   that never quite looks the same on a photo!

                                           late afternoon sun

                                               at the park

2012 - I will try to blog more often, life gets in the way, but I keep taking photos and thinking thoughts.